The Other Side of Grief

In our society, we seem to have removed both death and grief out of the public eye. People are told after an astonishingly short time to just "get over it" as though it was simply a matter of choice and ease. As though people want to hurt. But we don't know how to deal with grief, so we bottle it away and present a facade that no one dies, no one gets hurt, and no one feels grief.

Grief is a release of the Dark Flame. It is a time of turning inwards, of letting oneself heal. It belongs out of the regular spectrum of things, and needs to be respected as such. There's no set amount of time or experience that grief involves. For some people, it can be over quickly. When someone is already dying, much of the grieving process can happen before the death. When someone is simply snapped out of our lives, grief takes a longer time to run its course.

For that is what happens. Grief is a process, not something one dips into and comes out of. It has to be allowed to run its process. We should not wallow in it, for that is unhealthy to us. We need to make certain we do not completely withdraw from the rest of our world when we are in pain. But we lack a system of allowing for such grief. What is a reasonable amount of time? A week? A month? A year or more? There is no set answer, for each person will deal with their grief differently. But time needs to be allowed for that pain.

Grief needs to be given room in our society and in our religion. Pain needs to be acknowledged and respected. It is an inward process, not something we wear on our faces, but it will change our outward lives as well. And when we refuse to respect that grief, both our own and others, we tear people apart and rip up the Divine.

Let yourself grieve. Let others grieve. And know that there is another side, and sometime, you will emerge.

Questions:
Have you ever had a time when you felt you couldn't grieve? What did you do?
How do you deal with someone else that is in grief? Are you helpful? Hurtful? Selfish?
What is a reasonable way to deal societally with a grieving person? Should there be a ritual time and space for them? Or is it too personal for that?

Illuminating the Shadow

Begin with the balancing the Flame meditation. Sit before a mirror.

Open your eyes when the Flames are balanced, and place one candle on either side of the mirror. Watch as your reflection flickers and dances, portions lit and unlit.

That which is reflected is Divine. However, there are things that stand between you and that reflection, between you and your Divine nature. See the film of shadow that hovers between you, and name it. Bring this shadow into the light that you may see it, even knowing that the light will change it.

Examine this shadow that you have given name to, and know that it is a piece of yourself. Do you love it? Do you hate it? In what way does it serve you? In what way does it hinder you? Open a dialogue with your shadow. Let yourself see it for what it truly is.

When you feel you're done, thank your shadow, and either integrate it back into yourself, more evenly between the dark and the light, or let it go and dismiss it. Remember, this is a part of yourself. Treat it gently, even if you find you don't like it when you can see it clearly.

End the ritual as per the Meditation on the Flame.

Seeking the Shadow

We all have a shadow-self, a part of ourselves that we push away and pretend doesn't exist. What we put there, of course, depends on the person. To some, anger is something to be ashamed of and placed there. To others, anger is acceptable, but any form of vulnurablity must be squelched. Whatever it is that we perceive of as dangerous goes to the shadow.

The goal here isn't to destroy the shadow. It is a part of us. It also isn't to ignore the shadow, because it's there. What needs to happen is integration. Everything the shadow holds can be valuable when used correctly. But when it's used by our shadow-self, it can't be used well, because it's being used as a club to regain safety. Anger, when brought out by a shadow, can only destroy. It can't see a way through the destruction to a constructive answer.

So, how to integrate the shadow? It is, like many things, a process. You can't just choose to be integrated and done with it. But it does require changing your mindset. When you feel like you're out of control (the shadow is taking over) step back for a moment. Take a look at what's happening and ask yourself what you're feeling and why. This isn't a time to lie to yourself. It's easy to say it's not anger because you don't get angry. It's much harder, but also more meaningful, to accept that you are angry and try to determine why.

We also denigrate what we see in our shadow what we see in other people. "Oh, she's always so emotional" might be a statement about yourself, not the person you're describing. Perhaps it's really a statement of envy. It's easy to wish to be emotional while feeling you "can't," leaving you reacting badly to people that are emotional, even when the situation calls for it. Before you critique another, think about why you're reacting the way you are. It might be a correct reaction, but it might also be your shadow speaking.

Questions:
What is in your shadow? Who are you when you don't like yourself?
What advantage do you have with keeping these behaviors in the shadow? What would happen if you integrated them?
What do you see in other people that makes you react negatively the most? Why? Is it related to your shadow?

Emotional License?

Do emotions give us an excuse to behave in certain ways? Does it make a difference what we feel for how we act?

In current US law, emotion is a mitigating factor. We think that someone that murders in anger is less disturbing than someone that does it without the anger, regardless of the motive. We forgive fights and betrayals that happen "in the heat of the moment" much more than ones that aren't emotionally fueled. But is that right? And what does it mean, really?

When we allow emotions to be an excuse for our actions, what we're saying is that feelings are more important than everything else. Now, I in no way want to sound like I'm saying emotions aren't important and shouldn't be felt. They are important. If someone hurts you, you shouldn't believe you have no right to be hurt. You do, even if it's illogical. We have an absolute right to feel whatever it is we're feeling, and when people try to take that away from you ("you shouldn't be hurt, I was just kidding" or "I was just telling you the truth" type things) they are being an emotional manipulator and preying on you. You have an absolute right to feel what you feel.

This doesn't mean you have an absolute right to react to those feelings however you want to. You can't help your instinctive feeling. You can help what you do about it then. It's easy to blame the feeling for the action: too easy. "I was caught up in the moment." "I couldn't help it." Yes, you can help it. You have an absolute right to your feelings, but not the actions you take afterwards. For that, you need to think as well as feel.

It is very easy to blame things on our feelings, as though the right to feel and the right to act are intertwined. But the more we accept such emotionally-fueled behavior, the more we encourage it to continue. And when we act as though emotions give us license for behavior, we cheerfully ignore the feelings and thoughts of the people around us.

We cannot control our first flush of feeling. But we can choose how to react to it and what we do with it after that first feeling, and we must do that if we wish to be civilized beings.

Questions:
What feelings do you just react to? Why?
Do you think there are emotions that are safe to simply react to? What makes them safe? What reactions are safe?
How can we allow ourselves to feel while still limiting our actions?