Sheltering the Flame, Or Smothering It?

(written by Cynthia)
Parents live a special sort of waking nightmare sometimes. Children ARE the little flames of our lives that we must “keep” carefully. As difficult as the job is when they are small and utterly dependant, it’s even harder as they grow into teenagers. Adolescence is the time when they must test limits and take some independent action to build their confidence and find out about that nasty life experience called “consequences.” So how do we shelter them while still giving them freedom? How do we nurture their Divine nature and help grow their Flames?

We had neighbors across the road a few years back with twin sons. My kids used to invite them over to play, and they never came. If baffled us, we wondered if we had somehow given offense. Then one night, the mother appeared on our doorstep in her nightgown, shaking and terribly upset. We thought something truly dreadful had happened and as she related how her husband was recovering from surgery, we were poised to call for an ambulance since we imagined some horror of busted stitches and bleeding. But no, that wasn’t it. It was springtime and someone had put an egg in her mailbox. She had just checked the mail before bed, having forgotten earlier, and here was this “horror, obviously meant to harass and terrorize us”. Now, mind you, this was well before 9-11 and the overblown rhetoric of terror in every sentence. She felt harassed and terrorized by an EGG? An obvious springtime prank…a week off of Easter?

In the months that followed, it became clear that parental phobias ruled that house. Her boys were never allowed to take part in out of class school activities, nor go to anyone’s house to play. As they grew older, still forbidden to leave the yard when their parents were at work, they spent their afternoons cutting down small fir trees and burning them in the house fireplace. They were forbidden to answer the doorbell, even as teenagers. I occasionally asked my daughter about them, she was the same age and had a class or two in high school with them.

“Mom, they are just weird.” She had little else to say, as they apparently hardly spoke to anyone and participated in no activities. It was almost a relief when their parents sold the house and moved. Such closing in was heartrendingly abnormal.

So, what is normal? One cannot let teens just do any old thing and endanger themselves out of existence. Because they do think they are immortal. What happens to others just cannot happen to them. I used to say “Give me my blindfold, please,” when I knew mine were doing something spectacularly stupid that I had no control over. We did all the usual anti-drug, anti-drinking talking, but gave them wine and beer at family events so they would know what the effects felt like. They all survived their teens and even the runaway bratling is in his early 20’s now.

But not all teens survive. Recently, here in Western Washington, a thirteen year old boy died doing something that is almost rite-of-passage material. At a place called Deception Pass, hills rise above the water and at the top of the hills are caves. Teens love the caves.
They go there to party, celebrate 18th birthdays, have secret gatherings with each other and the whole almost ‘Dead Poets Society” bit. It’s a climb to the caves, and not for the faint of heart. And last month, this young boy fell; boaters on the water saw him strike the water, face down. They hastened to the spot, searched desperately, but his body has not been recovered. His parents are naturally devastated.

I am trying to tell myself that their reaction is natural as an outgrowth of their grief, but the amount of “Oh yes, you are so right,” they are getting is making me twitch. They want the caves “closed” permanently. Either gated up or blown up so they no longer exist. Now, this is a historic park in the state and the caves have always been there. Even if they now are graffiti marked by jubilant teens and bear no sign of Washington State’s illustrious past, I have to wonder why such a drastic action is needed. Yes, teens will go to the caves and other dangerous places. This is the first death at this popular teen hangout. It may or may not be the last. But what do we do?

Questions:
Should we try to eliminate everything in existence that may be a risk to a teenager?

When does sheltering that bright life flame of the fruit of our loins become a smothering that extinguishes its brightness? Is there such a thing as too much protection?

Do we really want to bring up a generation of children (or another generation) that does nothing more wildly exciting than go to the Mall every weekend?

Can we cell-phone track them into submission to our own parental fears?

Is it even good for them to so protect them? What will they do when true dangers strike in their adulthood if they have no small wild triumphs behind them?

How do you balance loving care against suffocating protection?

Celebration of Life

From time to time, it becomes important to celebrate the fact that we live and the Divine that we are all part of. Also, parties are fun. I see this as a summer-type picnic, although any time of year would work.

Plan a get-together. This does not need to be only FlameKeepers, of course. It's simply only a religious holiday for the FlameKeepers.

Before you begin, meditate on the Flame and seek the Divine within yourself. In this entire process, see the Divine in what you do, and be respectful as well as celebratory.

Plan the food, and if at all possible, be involved with the cooking. Be mindful of where the food has come from and the fact that as humans we are merely part of the food chain, not the top. If you can't be involved (or simply can't cook), still take over as many of the preparations as possible. In this preparing, be mindful of what you are doing this for: the celebration of life, of being co-creators with the Divine, of showing your love and affection for those in your life. This is not a time to be screaming about details. It's a time to use those details to show how much you care.

The party itself should be about good times and celebration. Think of the food when you eat it, don't just treat it as fuel. Alcohol is fine, but this is not a time to drink to excess, either. Use this time to connect closer with your loved ones. See the Divine in them, and be of the Divine with them.

And above all, enjoy and have fun.

Ethical Punishment and Retribution

Transgression is inherently attached to punishment and retribution. When someone crosses us, we want to make certain it doesn't happen again, and we want to punish the person that did it. But what is appropriate? What is too much? And what is the purpose of the action?

It is natural to want to punish the person for what they've done. When we're hurt, we want to strike back, even if the hurt was unintentional. There is a desire to make someone "pay" for what they have done. There is also the desire to make certain something doesn't happen again. Even if the original offense was unintentional, if there are no consequences, there's no reason to not do it again, intentionally or otherwise.

Punishment and retribution are dangerous issues. It's not feasible, nor sensible, to get rid of them completely. If there was no punishment, then people would be free to do whatever they wanted to each other. It is the knowledge of retribution that keeps the worst of us from behaving badly. It is the pushing back by another that lets us know where the boundaries are.

But what is ethical here? Punishment for the sake of giving pain certainly isn't. Any punishment that exists solely for the emotional glee of the giver is wrong. While we have every right to make certain, individually and societally, that behavior that's injurious to us doesn't happen again, giving injury to another simply for the sake of revenge isn't moral either.

It's easy to say that we should punish in proportion to our hurt. And it's reasonable. But that doesn't answer the important question: Does it solve the problem? If it doesn't solve the problem, then it's a bad system. And it's easy to say that we shouldn't punish, that punishment is somehow "wrong". But that doesn't solve the problem either. When you refuse to intervene, you simply allow others to behave as they will against you.

At heart, punishment and retribution is a societal issue, not an individual one in most cases. Vigilante justice is frowned upon at this time. But society is built up of individuals and run by those that speak up. And as parents, as groups, we punish those that transgress in ways that don't go up to the level of civil or criminal justice. When we do so, we need to think about what we're doing, but we also need to think about why we're doing it.

It's easy to simply want to punish. It's a lot harder to think about what the effects are, and to try and be effective, and make certain that you're giving the message you want. There are no easy answers when it comes to this subject; or at least, there are no easy, right answers. The easy ones are wrong.

Questions:
Why do we punish people? What do we hope to accomplish?
Think back to a time someone took retribution against you. What was your reaction? Was it the one they wanted?
If you were in charge, what would your method of punishing criminals be? Why? What would happen next?

Dancing With the Dark Flame

He stood there, proud and tall,
Waiting at the crossroads.
Held out his hand to me, and said
"Will you join me in the dance?"

I backed away, afraid of him
Of the dance and all he offered
"Can you promise I'll be safe?" I asked
"That I'll know myself tomorrow?"

"I can promise no such thing,
For that's not the dance I offer.
I am pounding pulse and flashing feet
Not the softness of a lover.

"You stand here in the darkness
Waiting for what will come
But you do not reach for what you need
You will not let go and dance."

"It's dark and cold and scary
I don't know how to trust
You want me to dance with you
But I fear what I may become."

He stood and was a man
But I saw what was beneath
A flame that danced but did not give light
A darkness like no other.

"You will become what you are
What you have burning inside.
You will burn brightly in the darkness
You will burn darkly in the light.

"Take my hand and dance with me
And you will not be left unchanged."
He spoke my fear so plainly
Yet still, hand out, he stood.

What choice did I have? The fire in me burned
I wanted to dance, to sing, to be changed
Where I was was in the light
But it wasn't where I needed to be.

I took his hand.

I am the fire, burning bright.
I am fire burning dark.

In the darkness, boundaries fall
I danced and was the Flame

Transgression

It's a problem we face, both as individuals and as a community. What do we do when someone transgresses against us? When they refuse to do what's expected of them? And as well, what do we do when we have transgressed against another? No matter how much we try, it's inevitable that sometimes we're going to push up against another person's boundaries. Sometimes the only way to know that there is a boundary is to cross it, even.

So what do we do with people that cross our boundaries? Culturally, many people feel obliged to take the transgression and allow it to happen. If you push back, somehow you become the bad person, and the person transgresses again by making you guilty. So we feel guilt about our own boundaries.

Transgression is when one person uses their Flame to stifle another. When it happens often enough, we begin to lose our Flame as it becomes stifled under the weight of crossed boundaries and a loss of self. It seems like a minor thing when it happens, often, because it happens first over minor things. The issue is not the actual boundary transgressed, usually: it doesn't really matter that someone didn't do the dishes one day. What matters is the assumption of power the transgression states, and that is saying that my Flame means more than yours does. It is that statement and assumption that destroys people's Flames.

This is not where I talk about whether or not the boundaries are correct. That's a different question. But when they are transgressed, as they will be, the absolute wrong thing to do is to simply take it as the person's right to cross. We have a right and a responsiblity to bring these transgressions to the public eye and to resolve the issue, not to simply take it.

Culturally, women are especially encouraged to simply take transgression. When someone crosses a woman and that woman complains, she is a bitch, or crazy, or suffering from PMS. There is no way to actively, appropriately complain about the transgression. Instead, we're supposed to simply accept that people are going to cross us, and we are supposed to simply take it.

I suggest a new way of reacting to transgression. Speak up. Male or female, regardless of the relationship, speak up the first time. This needs to be a peaceful statement of fact, not a tirade, not an explosion. This is not a case of striking first: that is not appropriate either. But we need to speak up the first time we get transgressed against. We need to learn that people's boundaries are to be respected, not trampled. If the boundary itself is inappropriate, that can be established once the transgression is in the public eye. But every time we simply sit back and take a transgression, we say that it's acceptable to do it again. And our Flames diminish and gutter under the pain, until they flare out to fight back and we transgress in turn in retaliation.

Questions:
How do you handle transgression? Does it work?
Do you feel oppressed by transgression in your life? Why or why not?
How do you react to other people's reactions to transgression? Are there things you see that you should emulate? Things you see that you do yourself but hate in others?