Sheltering the Flame, Or Smothering It?

(written by Cynthia)
Parents live a special sort of waking nightmare sometimes. Children ARE the little flames of our lives that we must “keep” carefully. As difficult as the job is when they are small and utterly dependant, it’s even harder as they grow into teenagers. Adolescence is the time when they must test limits and take some independent action to build their confidence and find out about that nasty life experience called “consequences.” So how do we shelter them while still giving them freedom? How do we nurture their Divine nature and help grow their Flames?

We had neighbors across the road a few years back with twin sons. My kids used to invite them over to play, and they never came. If baffled us, we wondered if we had somehow given offense. Then one night, the mother appeared on our doorstep in her nightgown, shaking and terribly upset. We thought something truly dreadful had happened and as she related how her husband was recovering from surgery, we were poised to call for an ambulance since we imagined some horror of busted stitches and bleeding. But no, that wasn’t it. It was springtime and someone had put an egg in her mailbox. She had just checked the mail before bed, having forgotten earlier, and here was this “horror, obviously meant to harass and terrorize us”. Now, mind you, this was well before 9-11 and the overblown rhetoric of terror in every sentence. She felt harassed and terrorized by an EGG? An obvious springtime prank…a week off of Easter?

In the months that followed, it became clear that parental phobias ruled that house. Her boys were never allowed to take part in out of class school activities, nor go to anyone’s house to play. As they grew older, still forbidden to leave the yard when their parents were at work, they spent their afternoons cutting down small fir trees and burning them in the house fireplace. They were forbidden to answer the doorbell, even as teenagers. I occasionally asked my daughter about them, she was the same age and had a class or two in high school with them.

“Mom, they are just weird.” She had little else to say, as they apparently hardly spoke to anyone and participated in no activities. It was almost a relief when their parents sold the house and moved. Such closing in was heartrendingly abnormal.

So, what is normal? One cannot let teens just do any old thing and endanger themselves out of existence. Because they do think they are immortal. What happens to others just cannot happen to them. I used to say “Give me my blindfold, please,” when I knew mine were doing something spectacularly stupid that I had no control over. We did all the usual anti-drug, anti-drinking talking, but gave them wine and beer at family events so they would know what the effects felt like. They all survived their teens and even the runaway bratling is in his early 20’s now.

But not all teens survive. Recently, here in Western Washington, a thirteen year old boy died doing something that is almost rite-of-passage material. At a place called Deception Pass, hills rise above the water and at the top of the hills are caves. Teens love the caves.
They go there to party, celebrate 18th birthdays, have secret gatherings with each other and the whole almost ‘Dead Poets Society” bit. It’s a climb to the caves, and not for the faint of heart. And last month, this young boy fell; boaters on the water saw him strike the water, face down. They hastened to the spot, searched desperately, but his body has not been recovered. His parents are naturally devastated.

I am trying to tell myself that their reaction is natural as an outgrowth of their grief, but the amount of “Oh yes, you are so right,” they are getting is making me twitch. They want the caves “closed” permanently. Either gated up or blown up so they no longer exist. Now, this is a historic park in the state and the caves have always been there. Even if they now are graffiti marked by jubilant teens and bear no sign of Washington State’s illustrious past, I have to wonder why such a drastic action is needed. Yes, teens will go to the caves and other dangerous places. This is the first death at this popular teen hangout. It may or may not be the last. But what do we do?

Questions:
Should we try to eliminate everything in existence that may be a risk to a teenager?

When does sheltering that bright life flame of the fruit of our loins become a smothering that extinguishes its brightness? Is there such a thing as too much protection?

Do we really want to bring up a generation of children (or another generation) that does nothing more wildly exciting than go to the Mall every weekend?

Can we cell-phone track them into submission to our own parental fears?

Is it even good for them to so protect them? What will they do when true dangers strike in their adulthood if they have no small wild triumphs behind them?

How do you balance loving care against suffocating protection?