Transgression

It's a problem we face, both as individuals and as a community. What do we do when someone transgresses against us? When they refuse to do what's expected of them? And as well, what do we do when we have transgressed against another? No matter how much we try, it's inevitable that sometimes we're going to push up against another person's boundaries. Sometimes the only way to know that there is a boundary is to cross it, even.

So what do we do with people that cross our boundaries? Culturally, many people feel obliged to take the transgression and allow it to happen. If you push back, somehow you become the bad person, and the person transgresses again by making you guilty. So we feel guilt about our own boundaries.

Transgression is when one person uses their Flame to stifle another. When it happens often enough, we begin to lose our Flame as it becomes stifled under the weight of crossed boundaries and a loss of self. It seems like a minor thing when it happens, often, because it happens first over minor things. The issue is not the actual boundary transgressed, usually: it doesn't really matter that someone didn't do the dishes one day. What matters is the assumption of power the transgression states, and that is saying that my Flame means more than yours does. It is that statement and assumption that destroys people's Flames.

This is not where I talk about whether or not the boundaries are correct. That's a different question. But when they are transgressed, as they will be, the absolute wrong thing to do is to simply take it as the person's right to cross. We have a right and a responsiblity to bring these transgressions to the public eye and to resolve the issue, not to simply take it.

Culturally, women are especially encouraged to simply take transgression. When someone crosses a woman and that woman complains, she is a bitch, or crazy, or suffering from PMS. There is no way to actively, appropriately complain about the transgression. Instead, we're supposed to simply accept that people are going to cross us, and we are supposed to simply take it.

I suggest a new way of reacting to transgression. Speak up. Male or female, regardless of the relationship, speak up the first time. This needs to be a peaceful statement of fact, not a tirade, not an explosion. This is not a case of striking first: that is not appropriate either. But we need to speak up the first time we get transgressed against. We need to learn that people's boundaries are to be respected, not trampled. If the boundary itself is inappropriate, that can be established once the transgression is in the public eye. But every time we simply sit back and take a transgression, we say that it's acceptable to do it again. And our Flames diminish and gutter under the pain, until they flare out to fight back and we transgress in turn in retaliation.

Questions:
How do you handle transgression? Does it work?
Do you feel oppressed by transgression in your life? Why or why not?
How do you react to other people's reactions to transgression? Are there things you see that you should emulate? Things you see that you do yourself but hate in others?