Conflict
Conflict is a natural state of life. We all face conflicts with ourselves, with each other, with the world in general. We have to learn how to handle conflict with grace and dignity, and how to fight problems without fighting people. It’s not an easy issue. It’s very easy to personalize conflict, to claim that the problem is the other person, not the situation. I’m going to refer to interpersonal conflict, but the same issues exist in conflict within the self or against nature.
The first issue in conflict is how the entity one is in conflict with is seen. It is very easy to see the other person as all bad, as evil, as an enemy forever and always. When we start seeing the other person as something other than a person, we lose a grip on our own humanity.
Conflict is when two or more people strive against each other. It is a natural outcome of scarce recourses, of the fact that there is always more to be desired than to go around. It is not the nature of conflict that is the problem, but how it is approached and what the desired outcome is. It is very easy to turn from a natural competition of recourses to an unnatural feeling of anger and hatred of the people competed against. We must recognize the right to strive against each other for the same goal while only striving for that goal, and not simply for the desire to strive against the other. We should only compete for needed items or equally-desired items, and for those things which are not needed, only wanted, we should compete much less strongly. (When fighting for one’s life, I do not feel capable of saying what one can and cannot do. For anything less valuable, however, one should and must use moral judgment. Do not do anything one would not do to the Divine, for that is who you are striving against, even as that is who you are striving for).
We must learn to handle conflict in a mature manner. While it is an inevitable part of life, we still need to handle it with dignity and grace, and be sure that the conflict we enter is one we need to be in. When we fight simply for the sake of fighting, we belittle ourselves and the Divine. When we strive only when we need to and for those things that are worthwhile, we enrich the Universe.
Questions:
What things are worth striving for in conflict? What things do you find yourself in conflict over that aren’t worth it?
How do you handle conflict with grace and dignity?
How do you see those things you are in conflict with? How should you?
The first issue in conflict is how the entity one is in conflict with is seen. It is very easy to see the other person as all bad, as evil, as an enemy forever and always. When we start seeing the other person as something other than a person, we lose a grip on our own humanity.
Conflict is when two or more people strive against each other. It is a natural outcome of scarce recourses, of the fact that there is always more to be desired than to go around. It is not the nature of conflict that is the problem, but how it is approached and what the desired outcome is. It is very easy to turn from a natural competition of recourses to an unnatural feeling of anger and hatred of the people competed against. We must recognize the right to strive against each other for the same goal while only striving for that goal, and not simply for the desire to strive against the other. We should only compete for needed items or equally-desired items, and for those things which are not needed, only wanted, we should compete much less strongly. (When fighting for one’s life, I do not feel capable of saying what one can and cannot do. For anything less valuable, however, one should and must use moral judgment. Do not do anything one would not do to the Divine, for that is who you are striving against, even as that is who you are striving for).
We must learn to handle conflict in a mature manner. While it is an inevitable part of life, we still need to handle it with dignity and grace, and be sure that the conflict we enter is one we need to be in. When we fight simply for the sake of fighting, we belittle ourselves and the Divine. When we strive only when we need to and for those things that are worthwhile, we enrich the Universe.
Questions:
What things are worth striving for in conflict? What things do you find yourself in conflict over that aren’t worth it?
How do you handle conflict with grace and dignity?
How do you see those things you are in conflict with? How should you?
posted by Vieva @ 4:35 PM
3 Comments:
At 11:23 AM,
Star said…
While I think I get generally what you're saying... I think that you're implying in the first paragraph that the person is never the problem. And... Yeah, I generally agree that one should attack issues, not people, sometimes the problem really is the person. Other people make choices, and sometimes those choices make problems for us. Isn't it fair to expect people to take responsibility for their choices, and to choose responsibly? I mean, there's still an obligation on our end to choose our battles wisely and to respond to bad situations with dignity and grace, I think, but sometimes I think that means dealing with the possibility that a person is the problem.
Ack. I feel like I'm speaking Vogon again. (Happens a lot here, doesn't it?)
Questions:
1. Resolution is worth striving for once you're in the conflict, I think. What's worth getting into conflict over? That's going to vary from person to person. For me... Very little is worth physical conflict. I avoid it because I know I would not do well with it. Verbal and emotional conflict with other people... I think mostly resolving issues in relationships is well worth it, and usually a little conflict now will save a lot of it later. Preserving my rights and those of others. Sometimes conflict is also useful for helping test and refine ideas, as in a debate. Occasionally it may be worth it to try to change someone's mind about something that might be dangerous to themselves or others. Inner conflict... I think "is it worth it" is a moot point there. Inner conflict is not something you can turn away from just by deciding it's not worth it, whereas you could drop an argument with someone else if you felt it wasn't worth it. As far as the second part of the question, I actually don't find myself in a lot of conflict over things that aren't worth it--mostly because I avoid conflict when I can, as you know. Which might not be the best thing in the world. When I do it's usually with Tim, over the petty day-to-day annoyances that crop up here and there when you share your life with someone. And it's usually dropped by the next day or so. :)
2. I don't, often. I don't think retreating before the conflict begins is really "grace and dignity". :( When it does happen I usually get all flustered and wind up saying stupid things that I regret later. And crying, if it gets bad, which just makes things worse.
3. Depends on the conflict. Scary, cruel, closed-minded, dumb--all things I've thought about people I've been in conflict with before. Occasionally all at once, even. That's less because I'm in conflict with them and more because of the opinions they express, though, I think. Sometimes I also see people I'm in conflict with as good, intelligent, reasonable people who happen to hold a different opinion than I do. I suppose I should try to apply that to everyone I'm in conflict (or at least the part where they just happen to have a different opinion), but... Honestly, some of the stuff people try to pull really is just dumb. Or cruel. Or whatever. And just as I shouldn't see them as bad people just because I'm in conflict with them, I also don't think that just because they're arguing with me necessarily makes them inherently good people either.
At 5:34 PM,
Vieva said…
I think it's a *part* of the person that's the problem, not the person in-and-of himself. If that makes sense.
It's a case of respecting the Divine inside a person, but still recognizing they're an asshole .. I don't think you can skip straight to the asshole diagnosis. First you MUST respect the Divine as well. If that makes any damn sense.
(this is also an ideal to me, not something I manage to successfully do. I agree that some people are just bloody idiots. I simply TRY to also see them as part of the Divine. It's not easy. *g*)
At 9:22 AM,
Star said…
*sigh* Tell me about it. Argh.
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